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If you’ve ever imagined or stand in the middle of your room, and they start throwing things and the screams get louder, you’re not alone.
Every parent has been there, and honestly, “calm” can feel impossible. But what if these wild, overwhelming moments with your child could actually teach both of you something valuable?
Let’s talk about some ways to turn those tantrums into moments of connection and growth, without losing your mind.
- First, try naming the feeling. It sounds simple, but saying something like, “You seem really upset” or “I can see you’re frustrated” can go a long way. You’re not shaming them for having angry emotions, you’re helping them put a name to it. That’s the first step to managing those feelings.
- Sometimes, you just need to reset the mood. When your kid’s totally upset, try dimming the lights, lowering your voice, or offering a gentle hug. These can calm their nervous system and help them feel a little more in control.
- Here’s a trick: wait one minute. The first minute of a tantrum feels endless, but it’s your chance to pause and breathe instead of reacting instantly. Tell yourself, “My child isn’t giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time.” This quick pause helps you figure out what your child actually needs, and it shows them what self-control looks like.
- Kids need more words to describe what’s happening inside. Don’t just stick with “mad” or “sad.” Teach them words like “disappointed,” “excited,” “worried,” or “frustrated.” Make it a game, play emotion charades, read books that talk about feelings, or paste a feelings chart on the fridge.
- Give the “3-Before-Me Rule” a try. Before you jump in to fix things, ask yourself three things: What triggered this? Can I offer comfort or a choice, like a hug or a break? And can I give them a moment to respond? It slows you down and teaches your child to pause, too.
- Kids pick up on your energy. If you stay calm, they’re more likely to keep calm too. So try this mirror game: Sit close, breathe slowly and deeply, and invite them to join you. “Let’s try breathing together. In… and out…” Sometimes, actions speak louder than words.
- And listen, decide what really matters and let the little stuff slide. Give your child choices when you can, and save your energy for the things that truly count.
- After the tantrum, when everyone’s calm, have a quick assessment. Ask, “What happened? How did you feel?” Share your own thoughts with your child too. Figure out together what you could try next time. Skip the blame, these talks are where the real learning happens.
- And don’t forget, you’re not perfect. None of us are. When you lose your cool, own it. “I’m sorry I got frustrated and yelled. I wish I’d taken a breath first.” This shows your child that mistakes are normal, and that repairing after conflict matters.
- Praise effort, not just results. Notice when your child tries to calm down, even if it’s not perfect. Praise them. This kind of encouragement helps them keep practicing self-control.
- Want another trick? Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding game. Name five things you see, four you can touch, three you hear, two you smell, and one you feel. It brings everyone back to the present and can break the cycle of overwhelming feelings.
Conclusion
Tantrums aren’t failures. They’re just practice for bigger challenges in life. You don’t have to get it right every time. Try one or two of these ideas this week and see what happens. Your calm presence is the best tool you’ve got. Take a breath, give yourself some grace, and don't forget, you’re not alone in this.
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